Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
