Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize