Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
