I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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