I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
