I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize