ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
