Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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