I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
