I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
