hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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