Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
