At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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