Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
