They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
