i already hear my dad disowning me
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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