Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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