He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
