i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
