my phone needs a breathalizer
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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