If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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