I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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