is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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