i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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