...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
