I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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