Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
