I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
