I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
