i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
