I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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