The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
