The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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