I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
