Little spoons don't ask big questions
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
