For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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