My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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