i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
