FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who died my cat blue again?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
