apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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