you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
