Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
