Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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