Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
