the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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