Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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