So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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