Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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