In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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