she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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