You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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