Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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