I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
