I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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