she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
