My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize