His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
