As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The uberlube is also flammable
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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