mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize