Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
