Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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