Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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