This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
