Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
