dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Every concussion has its silver lining
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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