I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
