Just fell off a train. Bad.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
