You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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