I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
