when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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